Leaving Los Angeles

[Author’s Note: this Blog Post was heavily changed and repurposed to function as a chapter in the TMR Novel. This is the Revised & Refined version. Toggle under the title to read the Original & Unedited form.]

I find myself once again thrust into my unconscious. It’s a bit scary, but it’s where all the best work is done. Allow me to explain~

— An irrefutable maxim —
Life is a cycle of Consolation & Desolation.

In less pretentious terms, life has Ups & Downs. In more pretentious terms, I’m 1 chapter into Moby-Dick and I am Ishmael out at sea.
Joseph Campbell’s The Hero With A Thousand Faces asserts that all Stories are a projection of the inner workings of the human mind. Campbell says that what is recognizable as a Story™ is a metaphor for man’s plunge from the conscious to the unconscious and the imperative rise back up. Luke Skywalker leaves Tatooine at the behest of a Great Call to save the universe, but it’s not a Story™ unless he returns back home again, to see how much he has Changed in comparison to his idea of Home, which is Unchanging.
Or something.
All I know is that at the end of each year since moving to LA, I return Home to Kent for the holidays, and am met with a painful feeling of otherness. Because while Home is the same, I am fundamentally different. All the pieces of Change I have picked up along my journey are not noticeable to me until I return to where I came from to compare the current version of me to the person I was the last time I was there.
I was a Small Town boy who had the Great Call to adventure to come to the Big City. I came here in 2020, conquered my demons, made my music, and returned Home battered and bruised to tell the tale. I was completely different than the person who set out on the journey. And then at the turn of the year, I’m Called back to the Big City to start the cycle over again. Every holiday season, I return, markedly different from the last time. This repeats year after year, and because of my mortal brain I am forced to interpret what happened over the year as a Story™. Each time leaving Home and returning is a neat Story™ Arc that wraps up with a nice philosophical insight, and it aligns with the Gregorian calendar so perfectly that I have to assume it’s by design. The Infinite Loop. It’s in my journals. There’s a pattern to every year, a bunch of built-in moments that allow for a Mad-Libs style of plot points and twists and jumpings of the shark. However, I’m going on my fifth year in the Big City, and I feel the larger Story™ Arc is just not making sense anymore. It’s eating its own tail. Where’s the Ending? Where’s the Change? Where’s Home?

— A regretful admission of defeat —
I really do think it’s time that I leave LA.

The Great Call to sea is deafening, except don’t call me Ishmael, I’m Max Bennett Kelly and the sea is New York City. Except really I’m not Max Bennett Kelly, I’m Marcello Mottola and New York City is… what now1?
It’s unsettling to know that I’ve been in LA long enough that it’s become Home, and the next chapter of my life is now the Great Unknown. B-But Kent Is Home And LA Is The Great Unknown!! Hmm, it’s almost like my Home was never Kent and the Great Unknown was never LA, and to think of it so literally is to misunderstand Campbell’s metaphor. Home is the conscious, the comfortable part of life, the mindset you have that limits you, that — for better or for worse — you seek to outgrow. You push yourself and do uncomfortable things in the name of some Great Call, and it leads you to some Great Unknown in which you are frightfully unprepared. Situations for which your framework is not yet suited. And you adapt your framework to conquer your environment, and conquer you do, until you slay the dragon and steal its gold or whatever. But what then? Do you just sit there in the cave with the gold? No, you Bring That Shit Home. But then what, you spend it? Invest it? Chase another dragon into its den and go get some more? The fact of the matter is, having the gold never feels as good as acquiring it.

— To spell out the metaphor —
Gold = goals, people.

You come Home to Kent with unfathomable riches and experiences, and you realize that what you set out to do and what you accomplished are, on the surface, the same thing, but their Meanings are different. I used to come Home and want to brag about my life in LA, my success, the people I’ve met, the art I’ve created. But this return trip — and perhaps the last few, if I’m honest — I’ve felt too emotionally alienated to even begin describing what I do. I have nothing to tell anyone.
“How’s music?” they ask.
And I say, Good!
What I really mean is, “I Just Wanted To Do Music. The dream I had of Doing Music led me to LA with The Old Band, but nowadays I pace around alone for miles like Nietzsche with internet access in an unwalkable city. I ponder the secrets of the universe and find roundabout ways to express myself, hoping to unlock some new part of my brain and inspire progress in my art. I constantly strive to meet new people to teach me different ways of viewing the world, in case someone’s innocuous comment may lead me to approach the next lyrics I write from a new angle. I travel to see architecture and culture that is foreign to me, in hopes of broadening my understanding of the creative process so I can approach my next character from a completely different perspective. It’s not enough for me to create for the sake of creating, no, each piece I create is a study of what life I’ve been taking in. One piece must iterate on the last piece if it feels like something worth releasing into my catalog of work. With the overarching goal of Doing Music, I understand that to evolve as an artist is to answer every unanswered question from a place of unshakeable vision. ‘Your vision’s gotta be airtight,’ I tell them. I welcome questions that I struggle to answer, and the point of view from which I answer what I call my Artist Project™: Max Bennett Kelly2. Lately, the boundaries are blurry. Am I pursuing X relationship because it is helping me flesh out a concept for an album? Am I hanging out with Y person because their sense of humor influences my next skit? Is it Possible to just ‘exist’ as an artist, or is every waking moment a real-time alchemical reaction of turning my life experience into inspiration? If I am a cup that runneth over into my next work, what happens when I run out of water to fill me up? Is it okay, sometimes, to not pour it all out? Is there ever any water that I get to drink? Any experience I allow to stay latched onto my soul before I sublimate it into something consumable? I’ve gotten skilled enough at directly turning my life into inspiration that I rarely allow my experiences to gestate, to mature before I cut them off like cancerous lumps. A day in the park becomes a blog post, a relationship becomes a song. And once I sculpt, the marble is gone. What then am I left with? Am I an automaton that exists only to turn life into art? If so, what is my life if I never allow myself to live it? If everything is in service of Max Bennett Kelly, my Artist Project™, what’s left over for Marcello?”
Yeah— Music Is Going Good!
I love what I do, I Truly Do, it feels important to me and I feel Called to do it by some Great force. But I’ve been wondering, lately: if I were able to choose my life’s Calling… would I have chosen to be an artist?
The other day at Stagger, Jalon told me I did choose this path, in the time before time before my soul was a soul. And it’s my duty as a human to figure out why my soul chose to do it. Whoa, that’s powerful. Caused me to spiral a bit. The next day as I was breaking the script for a new project I totally lost the line between what was art and what was Real.

— But wait, you say! —
Isn’t art Real?

I don’t know anymore. I used to think that nothing was Real except art. Much like nothing happens in life, and our brains only interpret the details as a Story™, I used to think that life itself was a shapeless series of meaningless stimuli that your eyes trick you into thinking is a mountain. Or, your ears hear a sound wave and interpret a helicopter passing by. You ingest some chemical compounds and your mouth tells you it’s your mother’s pasta. Your hands grasp onto something solid and convince you it’s your father’s shoulder. Some particles enter your nose and you remember a dream you had, a dream within a dream, of the yellow house with a red door and a dog and a woman, where it smelled like breakfast tacos. But these things don’t mean anything unless you wrote them down, or made a song about it, or drew a picture of it. They didn’t actually happen. You didn’t actually feel them. It was a trick, it was fuel for your art, it was part of a Story™. Right? …Right?

— Once more, desperately —
Right???

Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe it’s time to outgrow the framework again. Maybe the first part of my Story™ was learning how to turn my life into art. Maybe the next part is learning how to turn my art into life.
Or maybe they’re 2 halves of the same Story™.
Or maybe they’re just the beginning of a larger narrative that won’t make sense until I’m old.
Or maybe it’s just a tiny beat in The Big Story™ of the universe and I’m a minor plot contrivance for some celestial being on his way to doing more important work.
Maybe.
Maybe those tiny details mean more than anything, and I’ve just forgotten to remember that.
It feels like a lifetime ago when I dreamed of coming to LA, when The Old Band was still together, back when the dream I had was the Realest, most tangible thing I knew. When I got here and I still couldn’t believe how tall the palm trees were, or that there was a Ferris wheel on the Santa Monica Pier, or that seriously, you can see everything from Mulholland Drive. Every person I met was a reflection of this fantasy life where artists flocked to a Mecca of creativity and abundance. I believed that each person I ran into was doing big important things, and I had hope and optimism that every single one of them came here with a singular purpose, too, and that at least we had that in common.
But when the pandemic was over and the reality of living in one of the most expansive, expensive metropolises in the world sank in, the light in these people’s eyes faded, and one by one their dream of LA died. “The people here are so fake,” they justified. “I can’t do the traffic anymore.” And one by one, they left. They gave up. The quitters! Fools! I found solace in the fact that I, for one, would never become jaded. The dream I had would never die. I would NEVER leave LA.

…
… … …

— Oh, God —
Who have I become?

It’s undeniable, the sea does Call to me. The Big City is some place, somewhere else again. “New York City” occupies the same place in my mind that “Los Angeles” used to. “Los Angeles” in 2025 sounds a lot like “Kent, Washington” did in 2020. But am I ready to leave? Has LA really jaded me that much? Or perhaps have I… *gasp* … introspected TOO much? The blasphemy. Maybe the shorter answer to the question “How is music going?” is actually the honest answer:
NOT LIKE I THOUGHT!
I Just Wanted To Do Music. I came here to play shows with my friends. To have fun. To drink and party and be stupid and free3. But life got in the way. I lost the Romance. The second I got an inkling of money and success, my life became work, work, post. LA became traffic, traffic, flight. Love became swipe, swipe, Super Like. Worse, I fancy myself a fucking Herman Melville with a blog. What am I even WRITING about4.
What’s the matter with me. I’m only turning 28; when did I get so old? There’s still Romance in the Big City, I know it. I tried to find it again by moving downtown, but I ended up just sitting inside all day in this lonely high-rise, sweating in my leather jacket, checking the fridge, musing over my digital diary, and having one-sided conversations with my new family5. Thank God for Jalon dragging me out to Stagger every other week.

— A hypothetical yet extremely Realistic™ conversation that I will probably have when I get to New York —
Yeah I Just Moved Here From LA.
“Oh, nice. How long were you there?”
5 Years.
“That’s a long time. What kept you there? What did you get up to?”
Not Much. You?

Seriously. How do I answer that question? What life have I lived here that I couldn’t have lived anywhere else? This year, I vow to convince myself to stay in LA6. It’s a moot point, because I am pretty sure I’m going to move to New York in July, but it’s Romantic and I like it. The LA Bucket List™. Or like, the reverse. Rather than things I have to do before I die, it’s things I have to do to convince me not to die. Okay, the resolution has gotten a bit morbid. Instead I’ll call it “Reasons to stay in LA.” I’ve already started, thank you. Here are three beautiful things I did yesterday:

Reason #1 to stay in LA:
Eaton Canyon Falls

I woke up at 7AM with an unshakeable feeling of dread and realized I hadn’t been on a hike in a while. Luckily I have Milo back so I brought him with me. It was beautiful to be in nature. No wonder I’m so fucking miserable all the time. Go Outside And Touch Grass Bub. There are countless accessible and beautiful hikes in LA that will, let’s face it, be harder to come by if I move to New York.

Reason #2 to stay in LA:
The Bradbury Building

I recognize this building from the end of (500) Days of Summer and Blade Runner. Only a 10-minute walk from the high-rise. It’s much smaller than I expected, but I like that such a beautiful piece of architecture is available to the public. There are a bunch of corridors and hallways to get lost in, which the urban explorer in me drooled over. Price for an office there is $39/sq ft (!!) but at least they don’t charge you to breathe while visiting the lobby.

Reason #3 to stay in LA:
LA Central Library

I had no idea this place was so MASSIVE. 8 stories with a museum or gallery on each floor. Completely free. “The biggest library west of the Mississippi,” the librarian told me. She helped me find Moby-Dick and so you have her to thank for my watery loomings. When she saw the tarnished hardcover copy of Moby-Dick I found she took it back to repair with an air of genuine concern. This touched me. In a vast library of millions of books, a librarian found it necessary to repair the spine of a single measly 2nd Edition. In fact, the entire concept of a library was beautiful to me for the first time. In our stark and bleak late-capitalist dystopia, a library stands in defiance as a purely humanitarian institution. She fixed that book for no profit incentive. Isn’t that Romantic??? Having Fun Isn’t Hard When You Have A Library Card. Fuck it, I would graduate the LA Central Library to a higher tier of “Reason #1 to believe that Romance still exists in the modern world.”
Drama aside (tough task for me), I vow to spend my last 8 months in LA squeezing every inch of wonder this city has to offer. I will not leave this place having given up— I will leave this place wishing I could have stayed longer. LA is Home now. Strange to say.
But I am Marcello Mottola and I have a life to lead.
I am Max Bennett Kelly and adventure awaits.
I am Ishmael and the sea Calls. Can’t wait ’til I catch the whale! (I’m 1 chapter in).

Get out of town
—mbk

FOOTNOTES:
1. Your narrator is not third-person omniscient enough to know quite yet, but bear with him. ↩
2. As distinct from Marcello. I think. ↩
3. A requisite part of Doing Music. ↩
4. Sorry if you got this far, but you are indulging me, so Stop It. ↩
5. Milo the dog and Alexa the Machine. ↩
6. I know, I know, a few posts ago I said, I Will Write No Resolution, but we’re past January. ↩

This entry was posted in Blog and tagged , , , , , , , , . | 2 comments
  1. Harrison says:

    Very interesting blog. Relatable. Lived in the south. That was home. Moved to California lasted two years. Never truly felt like home. However, when I would visit family, that no longer felt like home. I ended up in Philadelphia (we’re gonna be ‘neighbors’), and I’ve been here for eight years. This is home, now. When I visited family back home. It felt like going back in time. Yet, at the same time things have changed. It felt odd to say I’m going back home because North Carolina isn’t my home anymore. It was difficult to leave initially. Never living anywhere else, and driving from North Carolina with my ‘life’ shoved into my mustang. Sometimes, I think, “why didn’t you try harder? Why didn’t you stick it out for another year?” There’s just something so glossy about California. Everyone I knew was trying to break into the business with varying degrees of success. California is a real place. Yet, it sorta felt like a fever dream that I went in and out of for two years. Philadelphia is a very real place. I love the bluntness. I love being able to get around the city on the subway or a bus. I love that everyone is just living their lives. Does that make sense? Maybe, I should leave this as a comment on your blog @maxbennettkelly sorry for just doing what I do and randomly going on about a topic. You’re just a really intelligent, funny, creative, artistic and insightful guy. I know this probably isn’t on your radar. I’d definitely love to read a book penned by you. Something along the lines of John Lennon’s A Spaniard in the Works and In His Own Write. Okay, I’ve gone on for too long. Now, I’ll shut up.

    • max ✓ says:

      thanks for reading – discuss your thoughts here or on the Discord blog channel
      https://discord.gg/dkfmcMTWCM

      Posted from The Lonely High-Rise