[Author’s Note: this Blog Post was heavily changed and repurposed to function as a chapter in the TMR Novel. This is the Revised & Refined version. Toggle under the title to read the Original & Unedited form.]

There are times in my life when I feel Open to the universe, and times when I feel Closed to it. I don’t think I have much control over which state I’m in, or when I switch, but I would like that to be Possible. I try to pay attention to which state I’m in. Lately, I feel Closed, and I wonder why. I Was Literally Just Open.

— Times in my life where I was Open include, but are not limited to: —
High school
Early Covid (Signs)
The Genesis of my last relationship
Like literally just a bit ago

I mark these Open Times in my life by an abundance of energy. I am able to make new friends and connections. Money seems to flow (both in and out). There’s a sort of lubricant in my daily activities that allows everything to just slide into place. Conversations come naturally, opportunities present themselves. I ride this wave of energy until my calendar is full to bursting, I’m swamped with meetings and appointments and obligations, and suddenly I’m too busy to sleep and eat and then… I crash. I Close.

— Times in my life where I was Closed include, but are not limited to: —
College
Late Covid (Summer of “Happy, Healthy”)
The Revelations of my last relationship
Right now

I’ve been around the block. I know exactly how it feels when I Close. It’s like the world becomes 2D. Ugh, Everything Is Difficult Now. What was once just Making A Cup Of Coffee becomes 10 distinct steps— Grind The Beans; Boil The Water; Pre-Heat The Vessel. What was once Take A Random 3-Week Trip To New York becomes Share A Railway Apartment With A Stranger Who Has The Opposite Schedule To You; Wear 3 Layers Because It’s 9 Degrees Outside; Live 15 Minutes From Nearest L Stop. To wit~

— I ask, Closed: —
Why did I come to New York?

As always, Closed me is left to deal with Open me’s choices. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking this sounds like some manic-depressive cycle, but it’s not¹. It’s almost like there’s a whole spectrum of energy to the human experience, and I have reduced it into some sort of binary system. How Progressive Of Me. I suppose it’s just a way to make sense of the phenomenon.
I mark the Closing Times in my life by a conservation of energy. Making new friendships feels complex and inscrutable. I have a stronger conception of money (in the psychological sense). Rather than feeling like I’m gliding around, I am aware of every bump I grind against, and every bump I present to someone else’s grind. Conversations are bogged down by internal narration, and opportunities seem locked behind Closed Doorways. Eventually, I grow tired of this valley and force myself to fill my social calendar, plan meetings, and create opportunities, and the cycle repeats.
I find that in the Closing Times, I do my best, deepest creative work. I unwind the tangled mess of life experiences and feelings I allowed to wash over me in the Open Times. It’s like the Open Times are times when I go spelunking into the dragon’s den to nab the jewels. No time to think, no time to question— if I do, I’ll psyche myself out. And as soon as I grab the jewels I was looking for, I realize how precious they are to me, and suddenly the cave is this dark, scary place of dangers, and I have to force myself to navigate out of it, guarding my Prize. When I eventually do emerge, I am richer, and foolishly confident, and ready to enter the cave again.
Of course, in practice, the imminent fall doesn’t seem as obvious. For example, 3 years ago today, it was the Open Times. See if you can see the signs of the incoming Closure.

— Freeze frame. Cue narrator: —
He Could Not In Fact Center The Pendulum.

That weekend 3 years ago, I first met Codename: Didi. She felt like one of those gifts from the universe that just keep coming in the Open Times. She crossed my mind today, as I was walking through Williamsburg. We came here together— I had never been to New York before her. It was around this same time of year. The L Train was so Romantic to me. Joe’s Pizza was the Holy Grail of slices. McCarren might as well have been Central Park. She told me to put on a sweater, but I didn’t— I wasn’t cold.
3 years later, and that relationship is Closed. I practically live here half the year, but I know saying I’m Just Visiting is a marvelous exit strategy for a bad coffee date. I’m wearing a scarf over my leather jacket because I know the cold snap will make my commute to the L Train dreadful. When It’s Delayed I’m Screaming! I know that Joe’s is over-hyped, and if I do go, I don’t bother with anything but the plain slice because it’s the best Value-per-calorie pit stop to power my 15,000 steps. And I know that you cannot, in fact, walk around McCarren for an entire day.
I would hope that I’m dead-on about these week-to-month-long states of Open and Closed. I am scared to think that I was, in fact, in a multi-year-long Open Time that culminated in that weekend in 2022, and now I’m staring down an equal and opposite Closing Time. I wonder, as I contemplate leaving LA for NYC, am I leaving the Long Summer for the Long Winter? Oh, Georgie. Because right now, it’s fucking cold in the Big City.
Ultimately, the metaphysical question at the bottom of this is:

— Which do you have control over? —
Opening or Closing?

Logically, at least in my Westerner’s concept of the thing, to Open is a choice. To say, Yes. We live in a world of stasis. It is up to you, dear observer, to say, Yes and allow the river of energy to flow through. However, I postulate this— perhaps it is to Close that is the choice. Perhaps, at the risk of sounding naïve, we live in a world of abundant energy, and we must choose for our own sake to sometimes say, No. To say enough is enough. The optimist in me (deeply Closed off) thinks that it’s okay to step out of the river because it will keep flowing with or without me. That’s the kind of world I want to live in. Today, that’s the world I choose to live in.

— So once more, I ask: —
Why did I come to New York?

Because in a fleeting moment of Romance, I bought myself a ticket, somehow knowing that the dates would line up with a cold snap, when I would be forced to either slip on the frozen sidewalks or move heaven and earth to bring the sun out and melt away the ice.
And just like that, out the window— a sliver of blue.

Stay warm NYC
—mbk

FOOTNOTES:
1. It probably is, to some degree. But I like to think I manage the amplitude of the waves, so to speak, so as to minimize the crash. Cope? ↩

There are times in my life where I feel Open to the universe, and times where I feel Closed to it. I don’t think I have much control over which state I’m in, or when I switch, but I would like that to be a possibility. I try to pay attention to which state I’m in. Lately, I feel Closed, and I wonder why. I was literally just open.

***Times in my life where I was Open include, but are not limited to***
The beginning of junior year of college
Early Covid
7th Grade
Like literally just a bit ago

I mark these Open Times in my life by an abundance of energy. I am able to make new friends and connections. Money seems to flow (both in and out). There’s a sort of “lubricant” in my daily activities that allows everything to just slide into place. Conversations come natural, opportunities present themselves. I ride this wave of energy until my social calendar is full to bursting, I’m swamped with meetings and appointments and suddenly I’m too busy to sleep and eat and then.. I crash. I Close.

***Time in my life where I was Closed include, but are not limited to***
The end of junior year of college
Late Covid
8th Grade
Right now

I’ve been around the block. I know the EXACT moment when I Close. It’s like the world becomes 2D. Everything is difficult now. What was once just “making a cup of coffee” becomes like 10 distinct steps – grind the beans, boil the water, pre-heat the vessel. What was once “take a random 3-week trip to New York” becomes “share a railway apartment with someone you don’t know who has the opposite schedule of you, wear 3 layers because it’s 9 degrees outside, live 15 minutes from the L train.” To wit-

***I ask, Closed:***
Why am I in New York, again?

Again, Closed me is left to deal with the choices of Open me. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking this sounds like some manic-depressive spiral, but it’s not¹. It’s almost like there’s a spectrum of energy to the human experience and I have reduced it into some sort of binary system. Very progressive of me. I suppose it’s just a way to make sense of the phenomenon.

I mark the Closing Times in my life by a conservation of energy. Making new friendships feels convoluted and inscrutable. I have a stronger conception of money (in the psychological sense). Rather than feeling like I’m “gliding” around, I am aware of every bump I grind against, and every bump I present to someone else’s grind. Conversations are bogged down by internal narration and opportunities seem locked behind a closed door. Eventually, I grow tired of this valley and force myself to fill my social calendar, plan meetings and create opportunities and the cycle repeats.

I find that in the Closing Times I do my best, deepest creative work. I unwind the tangled mess of life experiences and feelings I allowed to wash over me in the Open Times. It’s like the Open Times are times when I go spelunking into the dragon’s den to nab the jewels. No time to think, no time to question – if I do, I’ll psyche myself out. And as soon as I grab the jewels I was looking for, I realize how precious they are to me and suddenly the cave is this dark scary place of dangers and I have to force myself to navigate myself out of it, protective of my prize. But when I emerge, I am richer, and foolishly confident, and ready to enter the cave again.

Of course, in practice, it doesn’t seem as obvious. For example, 3 years ago today, it was the Open Times. See if you can see the signs of the incoming Closure.

***Freeze frame – cue narrator***
He could not, in fact, center the pendulum.

Interestingly enough, that weekend was the weekend I first met Codename: Didi. She felt like one of those gifts from the universe that just keep coming in the Open Times. I was thinking about her, today, walking through Williamsburg. We came here together – I had never been to New York before her. It was around this same time of the year. Back then, I only wore 1 jacket – it didn’t feel as cold. The L Train was so romantic to me. Joe’s Pizza was the Mecca of slices. McCarren might as well have been Central Park. But now, three years later and that relationship is Closed, and I’m wearing a scarf and winter gloves because the cold snap makes my commute to the L train dreadful so when it’s delayed I’m screaming! I know the location of every Joe’s and don’t bother with anything but the cheese because it’s the best value-per-calorie pit stop to power my 15,000 steps. And you cannot, in fact, walk around McCarren for an entire day.

I would hope that I’m dead-on about these week-month long states of Open and Closed. I am scared to think that I was, in fact, in a multi-year long Open Time that culminated in that weekend in 2022 and now I’m staring down an equal and opposite Closing Time. I wonder, as I contemplate leaving LA for NYC, am I leaving the Long Summer for the Long Winter? Because right now, it’s fucking cold.

Ultimately, the metaphysical question at the bottom of this is:

***Which do you have control over?***
Opening or Closing?

Logically, at least in my Westerner’s concept of the thing, to “Open” is a choice. To say “Yes.” We live in a world of stasis it is up to you, dear observer, to say “Yes” and ALLOW the river of energy to flow through. However, I postulate this – perhaps it is to “Close” that is the choice. Perhaps, naively, we live in a world of abundant energy and we must choose for our own sake to sometimes say “No.” To say enough is enough. The optimist in me (deeply buried) thinks that it’s okay to step out of the river because it will keep flowing with or without me. That’s the kind of world I want to live in. Today, that’s the world I choose to live in.

***So again, I ask:***
Why am I in New York, again?

Because in a moment of joy and love for life and spurred on by the promise of adventure I bought myself a ticket, somehow knowing that the dates would line up with a cold snap when I would be forced to either slip on the frozen sidewalks or move heaven and earth to bring the sun out and melt away the ice.

And just like that, out the window – a sliver of blue.

’Til next time
-mbk

FOOTNOTES:
1. It probably is, to some degree. But I like to think I manage the amplitude of the waves, so to speak, so as to minimize the crash. ↩